Emotional Solitaire: Lessons From the Brink

Humanity glorifies itself through art, a window to the past in which the beauties and horrors of the world are accentuated and the banality of common existence remains subdued against the rich backdrop of life’s most-celebrated settings. Without it, we lack the pervasive accessibility of artistic appreciation that is common to all forms of art—a feature I hold to be responsible for forging many of the intangible bonds between strangers. A shared artistic or creative interest among individuals

who have never met can build an instant and automatic safeguard between them that eliminates a substantial host of social tensions based on an unspoken and mutual understanding about what is funny, or beautiful, or important in the world. An understanding that is entrenched in the art itself, for it was created by people, for people, driven by the human experience.

In the past, I have found great emotional refuge in creative pursuits, finding a unique kind of healing in merely assuming the task of producing something from nothing, accepting no input from anyone but myself. My life experiences have varied wildly since adulthood kicked into full gear and those pursuits that I find therapeutic have fluctuated more or less in tandem with the company I keep. Or perhaps not the company I keep, but the time I spend in the company of others.

It is common amongst introverts to be socially conscientious, particularly in busy public settings. They are known more for observing than for participating, but they are very much present in these scenarios, and often have a greater sense of awareness for what is around them. Their contributions tend to be well thought-out and catered very specifically to the situation in ways that are not always apparent to everyone in the room. These contributions are not easy to make--it's quite exhausting to be so observant with so much going on, and to feel as though you have to properly think your way through each social scene you encounter. More than anything, this is why introverts need their alone time in order to recharge. 

It's a good formula and it works well in most situations. Although our society still has a bias towards the more boisterous, outgoing extrovert, it is well-understood now that a lot of people simply aren't like that. If I am burnt out and want to leave the party early, no one questions my reasoning. However, this emotional "recharge" is not a one-way street in the sense that the more time spent alone equates to more social energy the next time you venture out into the world. 

In electronics, if you overcharge a rechargeable battery, they lose a little bit of their holding capacity each time it happens. This somewhat parallels what can happen to an introvert (or to anyone, really) from spending too much time alone. At a certain point, time spent "alone" turns into loneliness--and there are many different kinds of loneliness. Some are characterized by episodes of abandonment or betrayal, some are internalized and self-inflicted and some carry the weight of a tragic loss of life. Common to all though, of course, is the feeling of being alone when you don't want to be. 

For nearly two years, I have felt largely alone, though I cannot wholly justify it. I have never lost the support of my family or the friends closest to me but surely without them, I would have felt entirely outcast by the world around me. Despite retaining that support, I have endured a considerable number of losses in this time that I have been helpless to forestall and could not have anticipated. I feel I've lost control of my identity to some extent and that is probably why I have felt so alone. Self-reflection is no longer a remedy for me because each time I turn it over in my mind, I keep concluding that I am flagrantly unique in nearly every setting I find myself in--yet I crave normality. 

It can be wearisome to be me. I am revered by the generations above and below me, but people my own age often seem intimidated and don't know what to think. I have skills in a variety of fields that outperform most of the workforce in those fields, yet it's exceedingly difficult to get my foot in the door in the places that really need that. My friends and acquaintances who have found romantic relationships are always encouraging and confident I'll end up with a nice girl one of these days and whenever one does come along, they're always interested to meet them and find out who they are. In reality though, it doesn't really happen and I've spent the majority of the time single, perpetually searching for that person and trying to ignore the looming hands of time that suggest I'd better hurry up and meet her so she knows I'm the right one before someone else does. 

My brand of loneliness has been self-destructive and I've overcharged my battery too many times. The empty hole I need to fill has grown too large to be filled by my family and friends alone, and so some sort of change is needed. When solitary thinking is your sole emotional remedy and the self-diagnosis consistently reveals that you are spending too much time alone, it's difficult to know which doctor to call. In spite of this, I do not feel weak. It is as though I have reached the plateau at the tail-end of an emotional bell curve and my resolve, although not strengthened, remains intact. In the past, I might have been tempted to take no action and set up camp right here on the brink of emotional security, deathly afraid that any move could only make things worse. This time though, from where I'm standing, I cannot see what the future looks like, but I am not afraid of it and I will continue to press forward. 

Time takes no breaks; it moves inexorably on at a steady and undeterred pace. It doesn't care whether you want this moment to last forever or that moment to just be over with already. It will victimize you if you do not move with it. You have become that victim when you spend your emotional energy in the past, desperately seeking justification for the state of the present in the memories of times gone by--hoping to find someone or something to blame. You have missed the boat, you are behind the times. 

Run. Catch up.